Jess

...unfortunatly, I am still going to make this a boring entry.

I got a job that is not Plantscape!!! Which is good, because she was making me flip out. I started working at State Farm on September 1st. I have no idea what is going on there, but thats ok. Everyone is really nice and very patient with me. And I actually make a salary, I get a lunch hour, I get weekends off and I get to look pretty! It will be nice, because it will actually allow me to save some money.

Ryan withdrew from school this year. He finally managed to convince his parents that he hates his major, that they are wasting their money. In a few months he is moving to North Carolina with his dad to pursue his golf career. I will move down there eventually, but not until at least next summer, and not until he gives me a ring. The other day, he actually told me that he wants to go look at rings.

Penn State finally sent me a diploma!

I am still getting used to this not being in college thing. Its rough. I miss learning! I mean, I am taking classes at work so that I can get my liscense, but insurance is not as interesting as history. I don't like looking at people's info and not understanding the jokes. And gas is too expensive to drive into Erie to go to the bars, so I am pretty much stuck at Ryan's house and my house. lol....I bought a car and I don't take it anywhere! In two weeks I am going to State College to see Norah, so that should be fun.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: "A Message", Coldplay

Ummm, so this is what's been up;

Since I got home I have had 2 days off from Plantscape, which is fine because I am poor and it keeps me out of trouble. Its not so bad right now, and Betsy will be leaving soon, which will make it even better because I CANNOT stand Betsy.

I signed up for one class at Edinboro and one distance ed class. They are going to take up a lot of time, but hopefully I will be able to get everything done that I need to in order to graduate in August.

After that, I have no clue what to do next. I have decided that sometime between January 1st and July 31st 2006 I am moving out of Erie, but I have yet to make a decision where. My options at this moment are mostly somewhere in Virginia, DC, Baltimore, San Diego, Boston, or France. But that of course can change.

Things with Ryan are going unspeakably well, which is nice. It was really rocky there for awhile, mostly (99%) because of me, but for the first time in my life I have stuck around long enough to work out a problem, which leads me to believe that there is something special about this boy ;)

I haven't seen too many people since I got home. I hung out with Chichester and Stephanie once, and Chichester and I had a really nice dinner the other day. A lot of my time when I first got home was devoted to my grandparents anniversary, which went beautifully. Jen came up for the weekend and got Ryan, Syd and I drunk.

Speaking of Syd, she got engaged!! John proposed a few days before her birthday. She asked Louie and I to be her joint matron(s) of honor(s). I want to spend some more time with her, and I really want to get to know Brenna better. I know she is very lonely since she had the baby, and I really like her.

I know Norah went to Akron this weekend, which kinda bummed me out, because I had really hoped to see her. Sometime soon, I hope. I really miss the school kids, especially Norah, John. Liz and Tara.

Thats about it. I keep attempting to go on a diet, then people bring cheesecake to work. I need to work on my willpower.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "Everybody's Changing" Keane

Well, five days left at dear old state. I can't wait to go home, but I didnt expect that I would miss this place as much as I already do.

Yesterday was perfect. After my classes, I went to the Sports Cafe with Tara and got drunk with Carol and Denny. I went home, took a nap, and then Norah, Ryan, Tara and I drove over to Liz's Moxie party. Let me just say, I knew the Moxie was full of sexual tension, but THAT MUCH? WHO KNEW!!! I kissed Betsy, who kissed Tara, and I grabbed so many boobs and had my ass slapped so many different people. I was the greatest night I have had at Penn State.

I am gonna miss you guys. All of you, with all of my heart.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: "Breathe" Anna Nalick

So, I am thinking about moving to France. I am serious. I have finally admitted that i have absolutely no plans for my future, and have no idea what I may want to do. So, I think I will take a year off and save, then move to France and teach english for awhile.

In the meantime, this week is dedicated to finishing up 2 practice exams, a six page paper on Schindler's List, and a 10 page paper on the Vikings.

2 more weeks...can you handle it?

Possible grad schools I am considering (because I am random):
+Stanford
+Boston
+San Diego
+Johns Hopkins
+Temple

Too bad I dont actually know what I would study. Too bad....

I could go to New Jersey this summer and do stuff there. But I will probably end up at Plantscape.

Cassie and Christine (Ryan's sisters)AND Paul are coming up this weekend.

My Papa had a stroke. And a heart attack over the summer. Not yet, ok God? I know its all minor and stuff, but i am not strong enough yet, ok? I still have to make him proud of me. Show him I really do know what I am doing.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Smile" Nat King Cole

Its awesome knowing that people feel that you are a waste of their time

So, I am actually going to go somewhere for Spring Break. Ryan and I scheduled a trip to San Diego in two weeks. I can actually afford it too, which is the amazing part! i am super pumped

So, its 2:30 and I should either be sleeping or doing homework, but instead I am looking up grad schools and job opportunities in Erie. The truth of the matter is I just want to run away and never deal with the future again. I just dont care. and thats the part that scares me. I am too high strung to be apathetic, but I honestly dont give a shit. I keep obsessing over the past, about who i wanted to be at this point in my life, and I am not sure I am where or who I want to be. And I dont know how to fix it. There, I admitted it. I am completely helpless right now, and I am terrified of it.
I have this incredible successful group of friends and my whole life I have suspected I wasnt quite up to their par. I have always been good at things, but never good enough, and that reality is manifesting itself crystal clear in my head right now. So fine, criticize me for feeling sorry for myself. But I have never watched any of my friends colosally fail. Just me.

And I just keep thinking of how unfair life is. Why do some people have to work so hard, and others get everything handed to them? Why does an amazing woman like Carol have to work her ass off just to keep her head above water, and women like Claudia Urda sit in their big homes and new cars and whine about how much their lives suck (while paying their employees, women like Carol, peanuts)?

And I also have this nagging feeling that I am never going to achieve anything resembling the free-spirit goals that I have set for myself.

So where do I go now? Edinboro, France, Fairview? Obscurity? (or my biggest fear) Mediocrity?

Can someone say melodramatic?

Current Mood: blank

Blah, I dont even know what I want right now.I seriously just dont want to go back to school. Not that I had an overly exciting break(though Canada and Napoleon Dynamite was fun). I just dont care anymore, and I dont remember the last time that I just didnt care. I dont even know what is bothering me. If it werent my last semester, I would take it off. For the first time in a long time, I am desperatly unsure about what I want to do with my life.

Current Mood: pensive

List of experiences...plus marks are ones I have done

Bought everyone in the pub a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
+Climbed a mountain
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
+Held a tarantula
+Said "I love you" and meant it
+Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped – oh, but I will
+Visited Paris –and will again
+Watched a lightning storm at sea
+Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
+Gone to a huge sports game – Does the Erie Wave count? J/K, Indians and Pirates
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa – Next summer
+Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
+Slept under the stars
+Changed a baby's diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
+Watched a meteor shower –
+Gotten drunk on champagne – Jen’s wedding. Don’t drink champagne on an empty stomach when you weigh 105 pounds. You make an ass out of yourself
+Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
+Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment – ummm, can we say church, Christmas eve
+Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
+Taken a sick day when you're not ill
+Asked out a stranger
+Had a snowball fight
Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
+Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
+Enacted a favorite fantasy
Taken a midnight skinny dip – Ryan wouldn’t let me
+Taken an ice cold bath – it’s a good way to end a day at plantscape.
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
+Seen a total eclipse
+Ridden a roller coaster – not by choice, mind you.
+Hit a home run – dude, wiffle ball in gramma shirley’s back yard DOES count
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
Adopted an accent for an entire day
+Visited the birthplace of your ancestors – Does Cleveland count?
+Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states - someday
+Loved your job for all accounts
+Taken care of someone who was drunk
+Had enough money to be truly satisfied – for, like 30 seconds. Then I paid my rent
+Have amazing friends
+Danced with a stranger in a foreign country – Mattieu
Watched wild whales
+Stolen a sign - do college republicans count?
Backpacked in Europe
+Taken a road-trip
+Been rock climbing
Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
+Midnight walk on the beach
Been sky diving
+Visited Ireland
+Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
Visited Japan
Benchpressed your own weight
Milked a cow
+Alphabetized your records/cds
+Pretended to be a superhero – pretended?
Sung karaoke
+Lounged around in bed all day
Been scuba diving
+Kissed in the rain
+Played in the mud
+Played in the rain
+Gone to a drive-in theater
+Done something you should regret, but don't regret – haha, sophomore year.
Visited the Great Wall of China
Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
Dropped Windows in favor of something better
Started a business
+Fallen in love and not had your heart broken – yeah, but you gotta have it the other way around to appreciate what you have
+Toured ancient sites
+Taken a martial arts class
Swordfought for the honor of a woman…
Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight... …
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
+Loved someone you shouldn't have
+Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy – I’m that good
Gotten divorced
+Gone without food for 5 days
+Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice - next summer
+Gotten a tattoo – it was henna, but it counts because I was in France
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news programs as an "expert"
+Got flowers for no reason
Got so drunk you don't remember anything
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
Performed on stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music –
Eaten shark
Gone to Thailand
Seen Siouxsie live
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
+Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
Performed in Rocky Horror
Read - and understood - your credit report
Raised children
Gotten lost in a character
+Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour –
+Created and named your own constellation of stars
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
+Found out something significant that your ancestors did
Called or written your Congress person
Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
Had plastic surgery
+Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
+Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a shark
+Broken someone's heart – it happens. Learning experiance
Helped an animal give birth
Been fired or laid off from a job
Won money on a T.V. game show
Gone on an African photo safari
+Ridden a motorcycle
+Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph/160 kph –
+Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
+Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
+Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
+Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept through an entire flight – I never want to miss anything
+Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
Visited all 7 continents
+Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Been a sperm or egg donor
+Eaten sushi
+Had your picture in the newspaper
+Had 2 healthy romantic relationships lasting longer than a year – matt only counts because he was 17 months combined
+Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
+Gotten someone fired for their actions
Gone back to school
+Parasailed
Changed your name
+Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read The Iliad
+Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read it
+Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
+Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Skipped all your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
+Been elected to public office – Does Key club secretary count? How about French Club VP? Band VP?
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
Had to put someone you love into hospice care
Built your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
Had a booth at a street fair
Dyed your hair – not unless you count using koolaid in 7th grade
Been a DJ
+Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal – Tim Haaf dumping me on AIM and Ryan Smith Dumping me via email count
Written your own role playing game –
Been arrested
Gotten a speeding ticket

Current Mood: awake

i left my cellphone at school, so i cant call anyone, because I have no one's numbers. I am bored. Please call my house.

I got rejected from Teach For America. And now, I am just crushed.

I dont even know how to feel. I feel helpless and hopeless. This was my ticket to get out of Fairview, and its gone. Now, when I graduate in May, I will come back here and get a job and visit my boyfriend at PSU and live at home with my parents. Its so fucking depressing I could scream. I was going to go to Johns Hopkins or Seton Hall for my masters, not Edinboro. And then there is the fact that I finally listened to all those bullshit inspirational quotes. "Only those who dare to fail greatly ever achieve greatly" Well I dared to fail and I failed. And now, I not even graduating with a teaching certificate, because I took this chance. I am getting a fucking BA in History.
I havent had my heart broken in two years, and this one takes the cake. This isnt just losing some stupid boy, this is my career. I thought that when you wanted to do noble things, when you wanted to help people, you were supposed to achieve. All I want to do is teach kids who need teachers, who need a chance. And I have been told i am not allowed. I am so sick of failing and being mediocre. I was so convinced I would get this, I let my grades fall. What kind of idiot am I? All I wanted to do was have some grand achievement, do something impressive with my life. Everyone in my life is doing stuff; graduating early, donating their time and energy to a cause, not coming home here. And i have done nothing. I know people are going to feed me a bunch of bullshit lines about how wonderful and great I am, how Teach for America doesnt know what they are missing, but the truth is, they do know what they are missing. Thats why I didnt get hired. Thats why I am going to end up like my mother, living 35 years in a town, never going farther away than college, moving back, working for her mother, and donating all her time to church. And all of her friends are 20 years older than her, because her friends from school all managed to get out of Fairview. Thats me. I feel like I will be stuck here the rest of my life, while I watch everyone else move on. It just hurts so bad to know that you have failed.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "Float On"

So, its 2:30 in the morning, and I really should be working on my presentation (The Cuban War of Independence), but I cant get motivated to do more than 3 slides at once. Ryan is sleeping all cute in his bed, and I desperstly want to join him, but I am stuck here, learning about Jose Marti and trying to firgure out how I might be able to manage not offending my class on Thursday. There is a huge tendency for the black kids, including the teacher, to make the white kids all look like assholes, and we (of course) just sit and take it, because we dont want to offend anyone.

I went home this weekend. I still have intensely conflicting emotions about going home, especially since I am approaching the point in my life where home will be somewhere else. I spent a great deal of time with my sister and spent money I dont have. and, of course, I loved it. Louie is going to visit fall break. We bought a big map of europe and put pins in all the places we want to go. Today I got some info from STA about Eurorail passes.

Things with Ryan are phenominal. I told Louie that I sometimes get confused, because I havent been depressed in over a year. Sometimes I almost miss crying myself to sleep, because it has been so long since I have. I have said it before, but Ryan seems to have grown up six years in the last three months. This weekend, I barely saw him at home, and he is going back to Fairview for Fall break, while I stay here and do work. We can actually handle time apart!!!(this is a large step)

Im homesick for my friends though. I didnt get to see Ricky's baby this weekend, but watching Beaches with my sister made me sob because I just need to see Syd so badly. I talked to Julie on the phone last week, and Paul came and visited, but its never the same unless its ALL of us, being stupid together. Its been awhile since I talked to Chichester. and I am practically stalking Taryn's away messages and livejournal, since I am never around to chat.

OK....Cuban Independence, here I come

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: "Free Bird" Lynard Skynard

"So we talked about good times and how Bradford evokes memories of when holding someone's hand or sitting next to them on the band bus was the biggest deal in the world, and what a moose head or prison hat reminds us of. Nev doing the bull dance, and Pinsky crying. Stumper humping and the drama of who likes and is dating who. Looking back it seems kind of dumb, but it was our whole world then. Crazy, time is flying by. I am just thankful I have so many great friends and memories and people who have consistently touched me along the way." ~From Julie's Livejournal

I think I am becoming an insomniac so that I dont have to grow up. To be frank, I am scared shitless at the moment. On Saturday I submitted my Teach for America application and it hit me that life is happening to me, even if it is dragging me along kicking and screaming. I dont want to grow up. Call me immature, but I dont care. I loved that safe life, when all of my friends were within ten miles. and now, I am preparing to move, maybe out of the state. My sister and I are in the process of planning a trip to Italy in the summer of 2006...the year she graduates high school. And it occured to me that this could/will be our last thing. I have to leave my baby sister soon. Ricky has a baby. Who decided we are ready for all of this?

Am I the only one who isnt?

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: "Konstantine" ~Something Corporate

I guess I should update.

Ummmm, nothing has really happened. School is giving me panic attacks, but thats because I have senioritis. And buying Sims 2 didnt help. Work is going well, I just need to work more. My phone bill was $219.

Paul is coming up this weekend. I tried to get my sister to come too, but she sucks.

I am sweaty, and I need to do work. Sorry my life is so boring. LOL

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Gone til November"

So, classes are going well. I really like them, in general, despite the fact that I am taking mostly black history classes and somehow manage to piss people off, even when I still have no idea how what I am saying can be taken as offensive.

My mom screwed up, and all the money I saved this summer is gone. Awesome

I am stilll trying to get DMB tickets. If anyone has some, or knows someone who does, let me know.

Sunday I am going to the HUB to get Michael Phelps' autograph for my sister.

I love my roommates, and I love my apartment. I am really happy here this semester, which is nice. Norah has bugs, but I can forgive her for that.

If anything, I really need to make up a workout schedule. I ran Sunday, and today(Friday) will be my first run since then.\

Time To Run

Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: "Wild Horses" kate Bush

I am actually enjoying school. Its a red letter year! My classes are intense and are going to kill me, but I can handle it. I worked 46 hours in my first 8 days back, but I need the money. My co-"manager" is driving me crazy, because she cant seem to accept the responsibility and sacrifice that comes with the authority position, but I actually stood up for myself, so be proud.

My apartment is great. Living with Norah and John is spectacular, and we are getting along really well. Ryan is great. It seems that lately, our relationship has reached a new level of honesty and comfort, and I am loving it.

I know this was a pretty weak entry, but I need to do some homework. Sorry!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: "Born to Run", Bruce Springsteen

I am ready to return to school. Cause this summer has about worn itself out. I was about to burn down the greenhouse, but I got to work at band camp all week and finally feel appreciated and useful. Someday I will have my own band(depsite the lack of any qualifications). I have taken Lauren Geary under my wing, mostly because she reminds me of Taryn, who I miss desperatly. And I hung out with Chad(the director) and Julie all night last night. I am that awesome.

Note to self: Let go of the multitude of high school bitterness. Its making me an angry old woman, when everyday I think of something else I should have done differntly. This week: Bitter because after Mrs J left(6 years ago) I gave up and never realized my full potential as a musician. LET IT GO JESSIE!!!! Its been years, you cannot go back!

See, if my life were exciting, I would update more often. But, all I really do is work and hang out, so it takes awhile for details to add up.

My 21st birthday was a little over a week ago. It was a good day. Ryan took me to the pet store to play with puppies, and then we went to Waldameer to play midway games. He won me 5 stuffed animals. After that, We went to applebees where I had a few drinks, but nothing spectacular.

I still work a lot, though the days I am working seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

My family was all up this weekend, which was nice. Unkie and Emily took Louie Ryan and I to see Spiderman, which I really enjoyed and fell more in love with Tobey...mmmmm. Since the whole crew was here, we celebrated my birthday yesterday. My unkie bought me a really nice shotglass set and a bottle of tequila. Ryan and Syd spent the night at my house, and I spent the night with my head in the toilet. This, of course, made work an adventure.

I saw Farenheit 9/11 tonight. While I knew most of the stuff it said(I just finished reading Dude, Where's My Country), it is a little more shocking when you see the images, like a little Iraqi boy getting his head stitched back together after being hit with our bombs. I just get so frusrated, considering this election is turning out to be just like the last one, where we are simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Why the hell cant we have a candidate who actually wants things to change(its a rhetorical question...I already know the answer). Even my conservative Ryan said tonight that he doesnt understand why we didnt just take all that money we are wasting on the war and invest it into our own country, with the lackluster schools and poor health care. Its sad that the reason we dont do that stuff is because it doesnt make those on top any money. Why educate that masses? If they do that, the masses will realize what a terrible job they are doing and, OH NO!, may demand that something change.

Current Mood: infuriated
Current Music: "Feeling This" Blink 182

I havent updated in ahile, and this one is still going to be disappointing.

i have been working pretty much non stop. My last day off was the 7th, and I dont know when the next one is. Thats ok though, I need the money, especially since I just found out that 2 bill I payed last month go lost in the mail, and now i have 70 dollars in late fees.

Ryan is good and fantastic and wonderful, as usual. I felt like we were fighting for awhile, but that has smoothed itself out. He bought me awesome birthday presents and gave them to me early, so I am happy. Last night he taught me how to hit a golf ball and said I had the best first drive he has ever seen(though I am sure he was trying to get laid...it didnt work)

I have been spending a lot of time with my sister the past few days, and that makes me very happy. She is going to State College with me next month, and Syd may too.

I talked to Julie the other day, and I miss her terribly. I need to get a hold of Chichester and Steffy to plan a road trip to IUP

My Papa had a heart attack, but he is doing ok. Since my Great-Gramma Bertha is probably not visiting this summer, my mom hinted at a trip to Florida.

I started going to this awesome fitness class that kicks my ass. Syd is going too, which makes me happy. I remember why she has been my best friend for over 15 years.

My birthday is on Friday, but I dont get a pretty party until the 4th of July, because I am working ON MY 21ST BIRTHDAY AND THE NEXT DAY!!!!!! But thats ok, because I need the money(see above)And, then my WHOLE(minus Jen and Rob) family will get to be there. I am going to ask my uncle Rick to take up out on the boat on Friday, because I dont have to work until 4.

That was longer than I thought. Time for a nap

Current Music: "Dont Stop Believin" ~Journey